Selfish

"We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink, sex, and ambition, when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased." - C.S. Lewis

 
 

Literally, It was all about me.  My unofficial motto was "be a boss and shine brighter than everyone else."  This motto drove the narrative of every action that I took, and every relationship that I entered into. By 25 I was making over $150,000 a year, wore the best clothes, and routinely would spend $500 a night at bars. At 27, I custom built a two level loft in downtown Detroit because I wanted to be like Marcus Graham from the movie Boomerang. Everything was about promoting myself, and I consistently felt the need to prove my value and dominance over everyone.

Most relationships that I entered into were shallow because I wouldn't emotionally allow anyone to get close enough to me, to hurt me.

I wanted all decisions, and actions, to be on my terms with minimum impact on me. Though I was accused of being arrogant and cold, my ego was fueled because all that concerned me was portraying a 'boss-like' image, even at the expense of others.

Toward the end of this period, some of the things that stood out were  how often I felt lonely, unfulfilled, empty and wondering if there was more to life.